My Studio is freezing!
Chill & Enjoy!
I was talking to someone a while a go
about that feeling – the one where somehow everything aligns. It's
not about skill or perfection and it's not about any specific action
or measurable outcome. It doesn't happen very often, is completely
unpredictable and it can be really fleeting but it is an amazing,
indescribable sense of invincibilty and cohesion and connection and
everything just fitting together and working.
During that same conversation I
mentioned that - outside of my art work – the only other time I
remember feeling it was when I played the violin as a child. It was
a bit of a shock when I said this as it wasn't something I'd
consciously thought about before. I only played for a few years, I
wasn't very good and I don't remember when or where it happened (but
I do remember it happening). It must have actually been the first
time I experienced it. I stopped playing at 11 (I felt my time was
better spent concentrating on boys :)) but as a result of that
conversation I started playing again about 6 months ago. It seemed to
me I should have as many things in my life as possible that had the
potential for putting me in that place.
The flip side of being 'in the zone' is
being completely out of it – feeling disjointed and seperate and
everything seeming pointless and puerile. An overwhelming feeling
that it is impossible to move forward because there are too many
options at exactly the same time as there are none. A place I
currently inhabit art wise. I know objectively this is temporary and
I will find a way through (and I know it will happen again at some
undeterminable point in the future) but subjectively it seems like
this time it is never ending. All the normal strategies I have honed
over the years for moving forward haven''t helped.
What is helping is playing the vioin.
I'm finding it difficult, really difficult. I can't remember
anything from when I played before. I am struggling to get a feeling
of connection with the violin, the bow and the music. My timing is
terrible. I am overthinking, over analyzing, getting distracted,
feeling frustrated and expecting too much too soon. I shake
intermittently for no reason (not in a good, vibratto way), find it
difficult to play in front of anyone (including my music teacher),
find it impossible to stand still and pull some really weird faces! I
don't think I'll be playing anything even remotely decent for a very,
very long time and my fingers are really, really sore. Yet I am also
really, really enjoying it, look forward to my lessons, love
practising and feel really positive about finding ways to tackle all
of the above (albeit slowly).
There is obviously a difference between
my art and playing the violin. Being an artist is part of who I am,
it's like breathing – playing the violin is something I do, so it
isn't as important to me. Some of the things which are stopping me
moving forward and progressing are the same though whatever I am
doing and I am recognising that maybe I need to stop thinking for a bit and just do.
I don't want.....
I'm still working on what I do want but these are some of the things I don't want:
I don't want to make work which is all
things to all people,
I don't want to make work which which
has no intent
I don't want to make work which
showcases skill over content
I don't want to make work which
communicates nothing
I don't want to make work which is
derivative
I don't want to make work which is
decoration
I don't want to make work for the sake
of it
I don't want to make work that stands
still
I don't want to make work that plays
safe
Reality Check...
My work is currently in turmoil (maybe
slightly over dramatic but not excessively so). If I were to liken it
to writing - I have no idea if I need a new sentence, a new paragraph
or to start again from the beginning. I might just need to insert a
comma or a semi-colon? I've been coasting, treading water, playing
safe, avoiding, ignoring, and generally making excuses for a complete
lack of engagement. I've managed to find some time for making but I
have spent no time at all thinking (apart from thinking about what
I'm not thinking about!). I have stopped challenging myself or
thinking critically. I have forgotten where I was going and need to
find my way again. It's time to stop feeling sorry for myself and
start being a bit more honest.
Studio log - October 2018
So this month I've concentrated on a couple of large drawings. They're all 'hybrids' - hand drawn digital & physical - but as the changes are slow I've just done x 1 studio log this month.
I currently have x 4 'in progress' and I am prioritising getting them finished (expecting it to take te rest of this year and a large chunk of 2019). A big undertaking but important as I think once they are complete I'll be able to do a much needed reassessment.
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| one of the hybrids in progress |
Best Diary Ever...
In my ongoing quest to be uber-organised I've just purchased a very special diary for next year.
I've kept a standard paper diary (January - December) every year for a very long time - as well as normal timetable/ appointment stuff I also keep notes on events, bills, payments in & out etc. The problem is that any increases to household expenditure (council tax etc.) tend to take place in April and all my business accounting also runs from April - March. This can make it a bit confusing when trying to marry any transactions, events etc. across one financial year and 2 standard diaries. I decided the answer was to also run my paper diary from April - March to remedy this. Sounds simple but pretty much impossible! Can get student diaries that cover 12 months from June/ July but I couldn't find a 'financial year' diary. Then I came across this fantastic site - Toad Diaries. They do lots of different combinations of covers and content (and free personalised embossing if you want it). I got an A5 15 month diary which will start in January 2019 and run through to March 2020 - perfect!! Covers the remainder of this financial year and the whole of next - and from April 2020 I can get 12 month April - March ones.
Sunshine, my studio and a seasonal timetable?
I also run 'the day job' from home - it involves designing, printing & making personalised products - cards, little keepsakes, cuff links etc. and I found the cold was a serious problem. My paper and vinyls just weren't printing properly as they were getting damp - so last winter I moved the bulk of it upstairs.
I've been self employed for a long time and one of the hardest things is time management. I'm constantly juggling my timetable to try to balance both areas. My ideal would be to spend all my time on my art/ exhibition work but I also have to pay the bills and the day job brings in the money to do that so I do have to prioritise that and spend the majority of my time on it. As a result studio time is always being squeezed and I struggle to find time for it. I am thinking though that during the summer months it makes sense to spend a bit more time on the artwork and then more time on the day job during the winter. Instead of thinking daily, weekly or monthly - having a seasonal overview?
A reading review...
I've had a lot of time restraints over the last few years (don't we all!) and the temptation is to just draw, draw, draw when I am in my studio. A couple of weeks ago I decided to take up the violin again. I haven't played for almost 50 years and I honestly can't remember a single thing. Attempts to channel the 8/9 year old me haven't worked - so in effect, I am starting from the beginning. Part of this has involved a realisation that it's not just the picking up and playing but I need to work on strengthening my fingers, improving my posture etc. and the time I spend doing that is just as important as the time I spend playing. I'm also very chilled about it all - I see it as a very, very long term project so am not worried if it takes years (or even decades) to get to a reasonable standard.
The experience has made me review my studio time. I've decided it's time to be a bit more relaxed about my drawing and get back into some regular reading. To get back to a more balanced approach. I have lots of lovely drawing related books and I've picked a few out to make a start with. I've been a bit lazy regarding this recently and I need to start setting some time aside regularly. I am still really interested in drawing as mark/ gesture/ trace but alongside that I want to continue this journey I'm on regarding physical vs digital drawing (and how an audience encounters and responds to this). It feels very complex so I need to start breaking it down a bit more. I think timetabling some short but regular reading/ writing sessions is a good way to start.
STUDIO LOG...
Hybrids - trials & tribulations
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| Draw : ballpoint, pencil, wacom pen/tablet |
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| Clap 1 (detail): pencil, wacom pen/ tablet |
Happy New Year!!
A (slightly) belated Happy New Year to all - I hope everyone has a fantastic 2017!
2016 was a really tough one for me due to some horrendous personal stuff - not much time for drawing (or anything else). 'One Day at A Time' (2016) below reflects that - each bottle contains the residues from a days drawing - and there is a grand total of 30, with very little in them...
I am hoping things will be better this year - at least to be able to spend regular time in my studio. I really need to do some serious thinking & reflection on the direction I want my work to go so my New Year Art Resolution is just to do something (anything!) on a weekly basis until I've made some decisions.
I also need to spend some time on my website. I have just found out whilst updating issuu links (new coding, so my current links will stop working soon) that my web design software isn't up to it and has been discontinued so I have to decide whether to start from scratch, get someone else to do it or see what other alternatives are out there. So annoying! As a temporary fix I will probably just add links directly to my issuu publications (if I can remember how to update my website - it's been so long :)) Luckily the blog issuu links (sidebar) have updated fine so that's a relief.
Here's to a productive, healthy and positive 2017!
2016 was a really tough one for me due to some horrendous personal stuff - not much time for drawing (or anything else). 'One Day at A Time' (2016) below reflects that - each bottle contains the residues from a days drawing - and there is a grand total of 30, with very little in them...
I am hoping things will be better this year - at least to be able to spend regular time in my studio. I really need to do some serious thinking & reflection on the direction I want my work to go so my New Year Art Resolution is just to do something (anything!) on a weekly basis until I've made some decisions.
I also need to spend some time on my website. I have just found out whilst updating issuu links (new coding, so my current links will stop working soon) that my web design software isn't up to it and has been discontinued so I have to decide whether to start from scratch, get someone else to do it or see what other alternatives are out there. So annoying! As a temporary fix I will probably just add links directly to my issuu publications (if I can remember how to update my website - it's been so long :)) Luckily the blog issuu links (sidebar) have updated fine so that's a relief.
Here's to a productive, healthy and positive 2017!
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